Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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