I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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