I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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