I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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