3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
