ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
