Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So much Jack, so little girl.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
