just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
