I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
