How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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