I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize