Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
