i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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