He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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