I am spending my child support on dildos
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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