Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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