Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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