i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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