either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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