Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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