there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
