So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
