I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
