note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize