Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
