She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
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