I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
