bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
