please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
