I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
