Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
