What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
