My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
