we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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