dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I don't deserve a penis
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
