Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
