Just fell off a train. Bad.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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