I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
