i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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