I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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