Banned from zoo.
Again?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
