6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
only if we run a train.
done.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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