WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize