Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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