I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
