I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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