exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
