Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
time to smoke my breakfast
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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