i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
