You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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