No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
