i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
