Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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