Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
