Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Naked Twister starts at high noon
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
