do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
