booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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