Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
