I hope mine doesn't look like that
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
