She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize